not only did i misspell melodramatic in the last entry... but i managed to publicly express my worst emotional side.
to my anonymous subscriber, thanks for the response... i'm sorry i didn't get your message until now..12:01 am on the 23rd...
i do need some more of your words of wisdom, and comfort.
the stress of school and family and everyone's concern about my health has been difficult.. i don't need to make it more difficult on myself by wallowing in it all. it seems to me that i know these are the answers but i can't actualize them for some reason. one on one therapy has amounted to a pile of shit, and was possibly the cause for my intense ride in an ambulance a couple weeks ago. people can't seem to stop asking me what i'm doing a) with my life when i graduate b) about my health issues
i figured now since my journal has been read cover to cover that i might as well place my heart wide open here on the web where it might not be found as quickly as it was in my handwritten words
i'm nearly 23 and where am i?
purgatory
all of my good feelings and emotions quickly see-saw into the equal and opposite negatives. my meds are supposed to prevent this up and down back and forth yet i find myself crying when i try to openly speak about these things..i cry to the point that it becomes useless trying to speak at all...and then once i finally do get it out i feel exposed and wish i could take it all back. why do i feel vulnerable and guilty when i speak what i'm really thinking and feeling? why am i afraid that the people i'm closest to wouldn't want to hang around me anymore if i were to openly express my self-doubt? isn't that what love and friendship should be about?
enough questions.
i just want a change. i can't seem to make it happen for myself right now, and i'm frustrated with my inability to make it all happen as i once could. i know that we are never to old to make a change, but why am i wishing that i didn't have to grow up and think about all these frightening things that go along with being an adult?
i dont want to plan for my retirement. i dont want to think about my IRA or my blah diddly blah blah blah. i dont want to start saving now for my kid's college fund; i dont even want to think about having kids in general. maybe this is peter pan syndrome but not in that michael jackson sicko kind of way.
maybe i need to stop thinking in words and instead think with my actions.
thats probably the most inciteful thing i've come up with in the past few days.
i think its just been a bad week
i need to get up and work out tomorrow before work
that'll be a start.
endorphins are pleasant
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You are going to be ok..there IS an end to your internal madness...it may not feel like it but it sounds like you are on the right path. Make decisions for yourself, what you want, what you need...everything else will work itself out in time! My ear, shoulders are here if you need/want them, not sure how to get in touch with you...you are like me...elusive. Oh, and for christs sakes, you are not even 23...no need to have your life maped out...shit I am a few years older and don't worry about that crap you mentioned...if you think about the future to much you loose focus on the present....and that is all you need to worry about right now...not IRA's kids, or whatever.
ReplyDeletereply to last anonymous poster.
ReplyDeleteyou don't know her. your advice is worthless, at least, and harmful, at most, when it comes to someone such as "missmare", and her addictions. according to you, it's ok to smoke crakk because SHE decided that's what SHE wants and needs.